Leading up to my 100 days sober, I felt like I was about to experience some type of catharsis or accomplishment. I had my mind set on what 100 days should feel like since the first day at the detox center. I imagined I would be clearer minded, less anxious, and a lot more satisfied with how my life was going but I’m starting to think that the easiest part is long behind me.
After attending meetings and therapy, I understood the very real possibility that life would get a lot more challenging. Every story or share I heard about the drama my peers were going through during these meetings were always about really basic life choices whose solution should come quickly to any “healthy” individual. Bickering with their partners, disagreements with their boss, difficulty paying rent, that sort of thing… And it never occurred to me why it was so hard for an alcoholic to make simple choices. Until it started happening to me. I like to think I’m a smart person or, at least, halfway capable of functioning in society. But the pressure of having to constantly make decisions that could potentially lead to unemployment or financial truancy turn every step I take into a nightmare. Perhaps I have a problem with “catastrophizing” things as my therapist puts it, but I remember doing things like a normal person used to be so easy. Then I thought: “Oh, before this, I was ignoring all my responsibilities because I was always drinking. And before that I was still pretty much a teenager who still lived at home!” I never actually took the time to learn “how to live properly”, whatever that means. This must be the case for others in these meetings.
Everyone has their own relationship with drugs and alcohol and thus uses them for different things. For me, I used them to silence my mind. To have fun. But mostly, to take me away from reality. Always sweeping things under the rug so “future me” would have to take care of it. My favorite words to hear were “don’t worry about it”. And that is what was gently whispered in my ear every time I put that glass of whiskey to my lips. Now I no longer have that devil on my shoulder. Well, perhaps I do but giving into his instructions will ultimately lead to death, which I have stared at face to face so many times. After living like that for so long, I constantly doubt which choice is right or wrong and I mostly always end up making no decision at all which ironically puts me in the exact same place I was at when I was deep in my addiction. Now the more I think about this phenomenon, the more I can justify a relapse if nothing is changing anyway. In the very least I would feel satisfied or even accomplished (though undeserved) if I had a drink whenever I hit any small bump in the road. This is the problem now. Should I sacrifice productivity for a brief period of happiness, or continue to abstain with no quick release and still no clue what I’m doing?
Even after 102 days I feel as though I’ve hit a wall. I know as an undeniable fact that if I ever drink again, I may very well be as good as dead. I can always remind myself that doing nothing and being sober is worlds better than being drunk and fucking my life up in newer more exciting ways.
Now I won’t lie to you when I say that one of my main motivators to remain sober is the opportunity to engage in another romantic relationship. It has become all that I talk and think about lately. I wonder if this is just my brain and body getting ready to continue what I need to do naturally or just another huge cosmic joke to show me that even though I’m sober, I’m still a shit person to be around. I’m so used to seeing alcohol play a pivotal role in any relationship I observe or that I was apart of. What is usually the first thing a man says to a woman when he wants to spend time with her? “Let’s go have a drink”. Its almost assumed that any first date would have alcohol involved, albeit not in excess but present. It’s been so engraved in our culture as the young generation in America. Even when I was drinking, I couldn’t imagine how I would interact with someone who was sober by choice or someone that drank substantially less than me. I believe it is referred to as a social lubricant. Coupled with the clash that may come from alcoholics and others, I also think about social media’s impact on love today. In my opinion, platforms like Instagram and tik-tok teach people to subconsciously put value in their own vanity. They seem always ready to show the world their life as an open book but can hardly make meaningful lasting connections with anyone on a romantic, platonic, or even conscience level. It used to be played for comedy, but boasting about one’s promiscuity and being unfaithful to their partners has become commonplace. It’s as though being aloof is their only quality. Try to tie recovery with love (as it is practiced today) and you can start to get a picture of how and why I see dating as almost futile. I’m not saying that no one is genuine anymore. What I am saying is that finding a person who is unlike our aforementioned example of young citizens today is almost impossible. It’s going to sound hypocritical for me to say, but nothing is private anymore and your admiration for someone shouldn’t be contingent on their online presence or supposed social reputation through that presence.
Looping back around to my original intent of this piece, I wanted to give you a glimpse into the squirrel psyche. This testimony is not meant as a stand-in for what all alcoholics are facing right now. But if anyone out there can understand anything I’ve typed so far, I ask you: where is the pay-off for trying to live righteously? Whether you’re an alcoholic or a normie, when will our struggle to find and hold our virtues be validated? After 102 days of thinking with a sober mind I find the toughest thing to do is simply live life. I keep finding myself saying the same shit I would say when I was drunk. “I’ll do the laundry tomorrow”, “Just one more hour of sleep”, “It’s not going to matter if I show up late again, I always get away with it anyway”, “It’s not like anyone wants to see me, I’ll just turn my phone off for the day.” It’s as though I’m living the exact same life I used to, just without the alcohol. Sure, I may have more energy and money. Even a boost to my confidence or charisma. But so far, my life still seems stagnate. I always imagined that one day I’d pick a wild hair out of my ass or have a brick of motivation fall on my head and wake up ready to make the world mine. I would all of the sudden be the guy who did his taxes on time, who did ALL of his laundry every Friday, who saved a WHOLE check each month. A person who made time for his hobbies and friends as well as maintain a healthy sleep schedule and go to work focused and well rested. It all seemed out of reach a couple months ago, but now its more possible than ever and still seems like the hardest thing to do.
I’ve been told its not constructive to dwell on the past, but I always thought that if I could go back in time, I would never pick up that first drink. I would apply myself in high school and go to university. I would do everything the “right way”. Even though I may regret the things I’ve done as an alcoholic, I am not regretful to be one. In a way I feel like it has made me a stronger, more considerate person. But even if I could go in a machine and see what my life became after refusing that drink, it wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t be my life. It wouldn’t be me. That dream can never come true. But maybe one day, when I become the man I want to be, I can finally be proud of the choices I’ve made
“A nail in my head from my creator. You gave me life now show me how to live”
-Chris Cornell, Audioslave 2002
The Squirrel Boy Experience 