And nothing for eternity…

I have nothing but time to think about what it is I actually want out of life. In fact, I’ve had my whole life to think about it, but now I have the opportunity to really put it into words and speak them out to the world. To speak them out to myself. I’ve realized that the truth is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not even sure that I have an idea. I don’t have a framework or game-plan for how I want to live, how I want to be seen, and ultimately, how I want to be remembered.

            I feel as though I’ve lived my entire life as an observer of my own experiences rather than an active participant. Most of the time I feel as though I’m simply reacting to the world around me. No intention, no direction, just cause and effect. While I am at work or out on my spare time, even now as I type this, I don’t feel like its really me doing any of this. I think I’m merely surviving, not thriving. To be completely honest, I feel as though I’m teetering on the brink of complete insanity. My thoughts are scattered and unorganized. They seem to pop in and out of the ether and it makes it impossible for me to be happy or content or remotely satisfied with anything. I’m never calm or peaceful. I’m painfully aware of my own existence but feel my grasp of it constantly fleeting. I feel like my body is a projection of some unknown viewer that I am not a part of. That I’m somehow stuck in the middle of what I perceive to exist and what actually exists all around me. I feel like if I can zoom out and see myself acting within this universe from a third person perspective, then I can finally convince myself that I am a real person and not a hallucination from some cosmic, faceless, nameless entity. Put more simply, I feel like I have no control. That I’ve never had control.

            After saying all of this, I somehow fell like I am still a part of something bigger. A knot in some infinitely large cosmic dream-catcher. A knot connected to another and another like a spider web. Each point being object or person. Each little knot representing a singular point of energy that permeates all of known and unknown existence. In this way I do feel connected to the universe. That my little point on the spiderweb does its job in holding together our universe. This must mean that my life has some inherent purpose. I’ve always tried to convince myself that the meaning of life is simply to live, but if that is so then the trajectory of my life is inconsequential. It can be good, bad, horrible, absurd, funny, terrifying or any word you can use to describe anything. It really would make no difference if I was successful and “happy”, or completely insane and living on the street as a bum. Simply by being alive I am doing my part in keeping our universe together. So maybe I have no control or all the control in the world. Each option scares me. It makes me feel like a deer in the headlights.

            I think what I want the most is to fall in love. If some cosmic deity appeared before me and granted me a wish, that is the only thing I could think of. If I were in love than my purpose in this life would be to provide someone else with happiness and bliss. I’ve never felt that strongly for anyone. To have every part of me exist to serve someone else. Damn my comfort. Damn my happiness. If I can somehow give someone else a reason to be happy, excited, calm, comforted, cherished, understood, respected and loved, then I will have found a reason to keep waking up. To keep existing. To keep pushing through the fatigue and dissatisfaction. If I can finally make someone happy, then I to would feel happy. That would be enough for me. And at the end of my life, I would be remembered by them, as the one who gave them hope and understanding. To have made a positive difference in someone else’s life would certainly and finally give value to mine.

 Therein lies the dilemma. This hope of a life well lived is selfish because it still would ultimately be for me. For my satisfaction and gratification. How can I really call myself altruistic if being loved in return is my price for loving?

Maybe I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe no one does. Maybe happiness is just a word with no meaning. Maybe no words have meaning. And maybe the answer to mine and everyone else’s problems is to simply wait and die. For after death there is nothing.

And nothing for eternity……………